Thursday, October 21, 2010

David Vitter

Pastor Chet and I have taken the De-Gaying to new heights. As such, we receive many appeals from politicians hoping to receive the ever-growing Ex-Gay vote. These politicians span the height and breadth of our great Christian Nation, from Joe Miller in Alaska to an old friend of Damn Straight!, Senator David Vitter.

Senator Vitter has apparently been following our Lord's Embrace Ex-Gay Ministry closely for some time and he and I have been corresponding frequently regarding strategies for his reelection this year. Recently, he forwarded a new television spot to me to sign off on:

David Vitter for U.S. Senate

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

The Ex-Gay Man's Motorcycle Diaries

I travel a lot for work (custom fishing lures business)... Ibiza, Phuket, Terre Haute, Indiana. Sometimes, it's easy to fall into the "I'm on vacation" mindset, thinking that I can get away with something just because I am so far away from home. It's a challenge, that's for sure! This spicy Thai beachboy can't even speak English! How will anybody even find out?

Since rimming some cowboy you met at a country-western bar is NEVER part of God's plan, (trust me on that one!) there MUST be something YOU are doing to provoke all that sinful, man-on-man lust. It's not always Satan's fault. If you didn't leave the "back door" open for him to come in...

What we teach in our Lord's Embrace Ex-Gay Ministry is that, sometimes, we have to look inward. To any man struggling with impure impulses, I say,

Oh Yes They Did! Target Gets it STRAIGHT

Alan Brown
Ex-Gay Pride Parade

October 16, 2010

Target Corporation
CEO Gregg Steinhafel

Dear Target Corp.

I have to admit -- I never much cared for Target stores. Your god-awful lighting makes me look like I haven’t slept in two days and the simpletons who drool slackly as they waddle the aisles swathed in reams of stretch polyester, sweatily clutching the greasy remnants of a "personal" pizza box and under one arm and value-packs of FDS powder under the other, make we want to head to the mens' room to lose my lunch.

But recently I was chatting with our Pastor Chet at the Lord’s Embrace Ex-Gay Ministry and he said that the Target Corporation had given $150,000 to anti-gay republican candidates to plug the hole -- electorally speaking -- of liberals ramming their dirty agenda down our throats. I just about dropped my spicy tuna roll in my lap! Praise the Lord that you good folks are standing up for our family values in these dark, dark times of high taxes, dirty, dirty, homos, and lithe and lawless little Mexicans penetrating our country at every turn! And also Sharia law. 

Sunday, October 17, 2010


From time to time, we get mail here at Damn Straight -- some of it inquiries from some check-cashing place in Starke County that wants to sponsor a float at the Straight Pride Parade, some of it hate mail attacking our 1st amendment rights to express ourselves as the Lord prescribed -- as red-blooded, straight men who like women. (If it's Carrie Prejean, make that "love"! I absolutely find her SO VERY attractive.)

The rest of the mailbag is filled with the "help-mails". Most are straight-forward (!) pleas for help with simple childhood or personal gender "confusion" like 

Dear Alan, please help my son put on lipstick and skirts...   

And I say,

Just whip him a few times with a copy of Playboy (the only time the use of such publications is allowed according to scripture)

Done and done, right? I can flip on my Marc Jacobs sunglasses and head to the beach to work on my tan ... but today's letter really got at me deep inside.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

It's Thursday. You know what that means! GRRRR!

Thursday is the day I post the Women of the Week, women that ANY man would be thrilled to meet! If I focus really hard, I can barely contain myself. I am so attracted to these women right now I could envision myself doing things with them (in a loving marriage, of course!)
Darla Dawald, Tea Party Leader, Sexy Blonde. Pictured here with another Conservative Lady On The Move, Victoria Jackson. Straight gentlemen prefer blondes!

Carrie Prejean, Defender of Straights' Rights (you'll always be a winner in my heart!)
And, of course, Sarah "Mama Grizzly" Palin
Bonus PhotoTreat for All Men reading this:
Tell any man questioning his sexuality to take a look at this! Grrrr!