Ex-Gay Pride Parade
October 16, 2010
CEO Gregg Steinhafel
Dear Target Corp.
I have to admit -- I never much cared for Target stores. Your god-awful lighting makes me look like I haven’t slept in two days and the simpletons who drool slackly as they waddle the aisles swathed in reams of stretch polyester, sweatily clutching the greasy remnants of a "personal" pizza box and under one arm and value-packs of FDS powder under the other, make we want to head to the mens' room to lose my lunch.
But recently I was chatting with our Pastor Chet at the Lord’s Embrace Ex-Gay Ministry and he said that the Target Corporation had given $150,000 to anti-gay republican candidates to plug the hole -- electorally speaking -- of liberals ramming their dirty agenda down our throats. I just about dropped my spicy tuna roll in my lap! Praise the Lord that you good folks are standing up for our family values in these dark, dark times of high taxes, dirty, dirty, homos, and lithe and lawless little Mexicans penetrating our country at every turn! And also Sharia law.
You have probably heard of me -- I am an outreach coordinator for men suffering gender confusion and also the Founder and Grand Wizard of the Ex-Gay Pride Parade. Luminaries invited to march in the Parade include Sarah Palin, Tom Cruise, Charlie Crist, Carrie Prejean, Mike Huckabee, and many more. We will march onto the national mall and pray the nation’s gay away! The floats promise to be a-ma-zing! We will have breakout sessions on topics like, “How to Keep the Flame Burning, with your Female Wife” and “Boy Scouting -- Know When to Say When” and much more. It’s going to be a lot of fun and it will really show those dirty fags what we think about their flamey “lifestyle choices.”
I don't have to tell you good folks at Target that our Christian Majority IS UNDER CONSTANT ASSAULT, but the Ex-Gay Pride Parade will "take back the night" to join men (and women) together in the fight to protect real, God-mandated marriage from the dark crevasse of liberal homoerotic legislation. Target’s $150,000 donation against Gay shows your commitment to a real, straight, majority in our Congress! One that enjoys intercourse with women. We at the Straight Pride Parade are your brothers-in-arms in this fight!
The controversial recent US Supreme Court ruling, Citizens United, did an awesome thing--making “you”, Target, just like a person, only with more money and higher political contribution limits. And I feel comforted knowing that one of America’s biggest stores is just like me, an everyman who loves America and will spend any amount to keep the gay at bay.
...Can you say, “Closet organization in aisle 10”?
With all the debate lately about repealing Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, I had an idea that I think will help Target take their commitment to abolishing the Gay Lifestyle even further. Why doesn’t Target institute a Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policy in it’s stores? If any Target employee, vendor, or customer is found in a sinful man-on-man embrace (or, in the case of females, I believe it's called, “scissoring” or “antiquing”) they will immediately be removed from the premises!
Together we will take back our country from the tyranny and Godlessness it’s been suffering since November 2008. Congress has been a bad, bad boy and Target’s $150,000 goes a long way toward giving our men in Washington the spanking they are asking for! Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell at Target...now that’s Change I Can Believe In!
In the spirit of continuing to fight the Homoerotic Agenda, would Target perhaps be interested in making a donation to the Ex-Gay Pride Parade? Your Board can rest assured that our overhead is low -- as God intended and more of every donation dollar goes to actually shaming those living the homosexual lifestyle and not just office expenses. We still have sponsorships available at the Leviticus ($10,000) and Deuteronomy ($2,000) Levels. One would be surprised how many jars of non-toxic metallic bodypaint and "God Hates Fags" temporary tattoos $2,000 buys!
Awaiting your response!
Alan Brown, Grand Wizard
Straight Pride Parade
@exgay.me on twitter!