Letterbag!

From time to time, we get mail here at Damn Straight -- some of it inquiries from some check-cashing place in Starke County that wants to sponsor a float at the Straight Pride Parade, some of it hate mail attacking our 1st amendment rights to express ourselves as the Lord prescribed -- as red-blooded, straight men who like women. (If it's Carrie Prejean, make that "love"! I absolutely find her SO VERY attractive.)

The rest of the mailbag is filled with the "help-mails". Most are straight-forward (!) pleas for help with simple childhood or personal gender "confusion" like 

Dear Alan, please help my son put on lipstick and skirts...   

And I say,

Just whip him a few times with a copy of Playboy (the only time the use of such publications is allowed according to scripture)

Done and done, right? I can flip on my Marc Jacobs sunglasses and head to the beach to work on my tan ... but today's letter really got at me deep inside.

Dear Damn Straight – 

My two sons (12 and 13) are both wonderful, healthy, happy and -- Thank God -- completely straight. I'm writing to you about a boy from their school. They have grown up with this boy since pre-school. His father and my husband go fishing together and his mother and I are part of the same carpool...This boy -- let’s call him “Roger” -- has always struck me as slightly effeminate since he was small -- he would shy away from getting muddy playing football and took special interest of our wall paper patterns and home decor. Then last weekend I overheard the three boys talking via my teddy-bear nanny cam about who they would like to have their first dance with at the upcoming Jr. High mixer.

Apparently, this boy is a total Luke Gaywalker--he said he wanted to dance with a boy, another friend of my sons'! He described extensively his attraction for this other boy. And my sons seemed perfectly at ease with this! 

So this is what it’s like to raise children in the Obama era! I'm not prejudiced or in any way bigoted but I just want this fucking faggot gaychild away from my sons before they are doing Denmark Daisychains in the Rec room while Jim and I are at work. But I'm concerned that, at their age, our sons will rebel against us if we forbid them to be friends with "Roger" (which wouldn't work anyway because they see him at school and activities, and scouting! Can you imaging what will happen now that there is a homo in the Troop?) 

We have already had a talk with “Roger’s” parents and they gave him the beating of his life and grounded him until he “gets over it.” I think that pulling my boys out of sports and scouting, and homeschooling them (and possibly home-churching as well, since the other family is a member of the same congregation) is the only way to prevent permanent emotional damage. My husband thinks that “Roger’s” family should be the ones to pull their child out instead so as not to contaminate the entire school. 

What should we do? 

Signed, 

One Fruit I'm Afraid to Forbid

Dear Fruit--

I feel your pain! I prayed over how best to tackle this problem. I agree you must act quickly -- your boys are at that impressionable age when they are most open to recruitment into all kinds of alternative lifestyles -- Goth dressing, environmentalism, that Insane Clown Posse thing where they throw poo.

But unlike wearing black boots with platform soles or throwing feces at Tila Tequila, the Gay Lifestyle can be harder and harder to escape as time goes on and "certain tastes" are developed. TRUST ME on this one, Fruit!

You and your husband must act quickly. Your sons need to understand, in no uncertain terms, that being a homosexual is an abomination in the eyes of our creator (Romans 1:26). If Jesus wanted our plumbing to be forcibly backed up like some third-world airport toilet by another boy's sin-sausage, he wouldn't have made our buttcheeks naturally seal up tight like a suction cup on a plastic shower caddy in the steamroom at the gym!

(Even the gays themselves know this, deep down inside, and will quite ofte turn to drinking, hard drugs, or fixing up old houses in marginal neighborhoods, to blunt the pain of displeasing their Maker. Many even take their own life rather than continue to gobble cocks. I know I considerend it a number of times when I was immersed in the Gay Lifestyle. Killing myself.)

Generally, children have a natural sense of this type of right and wrong but with all this liberal interference with the Family through the Dept of Education and the federal highway system, nothing is off limits. Even your sons’ sweet bottomseals on that scout camping trip!

What you must do immediately, is let your boys know that those that those children that Choose the Gay Lifestyle don't deserve the same rights than normal, healthy-minded and good people do. If the Founding Fathers wanted those dirty choco-packers to gay-marry each other and have joint tax returns, they would have written it into the Constitution! 

I agree with your husband that the other family should pull the other child out of school until he is thoroughly de-gayed. This can take awhile. Please direct them to our Lord's Embrace Ex-gay Outreach Ministry. We are experienced with all age levels and can give them a special $25-off discount on a complete De-Gaying package for being featured here on Damn Straight. 

Best of Luck,

Damn Straight