Tuesday, October 19, 2010

The Ex-Gay Man's Motorcycle Diaries

I travel a lot for work (custom fishing lures business)... Ibiza, Phuket, Terre Haute, Indiana. Sometimes, it's easy to fall into the "I'm on vacation" mindset, thinking that I can get away with something just because I am so far away from home. It's a challenge, that's for sure! This spicy Thai beachboy can't even speak English! How will anybody even find out?

Since rimming some cowboy you met at a country-western bar is NEVER part of God's plan, (trust me on that one!) there MUST be something YOU are doing to provoke all that sinful, man-on-man lust. It's not always Satan's fault. If you didn't leave the "back door" open for him to come in...

What we teach in our Lord's Embrace Ex-Gay Ministry is that, sometimes, we have to look inward. To any man struggling with impure impulses, I say,

"Find a mirror."

"Look in it."

Ask, "What am I doing to tempt all these queers to poke me with their meaty Satan Spear?"

As with-out, so within.

If you are just minding your own business, being 110% hetero, but dudes still make advances, perhaps you need to make some changes. For example, stand firm guard against the "too's":

*Too tight jeans. Unless you live in New York, Miami, or any of the other American cities where everyone under the age of 40 either looks like homos or hobos, leave the skinny jeans in the closet.

* Too much leather. "Nuff said.

* Too many late night visits too the highway rest stop. A few guys in my outreach ministry would even run out of gas -- whoops! how'd THAT happen?-- on I-95 . Consider keeping a spare gas can in your trunk. The point is: If you keep finding lithe little mexicans giving you rides when your car breaks down "again" ...maybe you need a new car. And maybe you should pay Pastor Chet a visit!

Because sometimes you have to get to the damn metaphorical beach before Jesus can carry you! How is the Lord supposed to carry you if your footprints lead into the back of some frat boy's Carolla?

As hard as it is...Just. Say. No.

But dont let your past keep you from loving Jesus like there's nothing between the two of you. No matter how many times "it" happened before. No matter what you may have done, there is nothing like being double-penetrated in your heart and mind with the light of the Lord.

So if you're a road warrior like me, far from home, tempted by a rippling bicep or the threat of a spanking from one of those wooden frat paddles, picture yourself instead like a Che GAYvara, riding your motorcycle on the revolutionary path of righteousness, overthrowing Satan's regime of homo temptations.

That burning sensation? The burning fire of passion for Christ. For once.

1 comment:

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